A memoir
By Marimelle Figueroa
When I was young, I enjoyed school. The girls were always friendly and kind to me. They treat me like an older sister and they have always looked up to me. I excelled in school in the academic aspect. I remember how I once had a perfect score in math and always aced my English quizzes since I do enjoy watching English series which helped me understand English class better. I was always alone after school because my parents were working and my brothers were still in school. I would change into my home clothes and watch the Disney Channel or Cartoon Network. It might sound lonely, but I genuinely enjoyed it. I enjoyed being alone and watching Nemo with no interruptions from my brothers. Watching too much TV probably did a lot of good for me. It worked like magic. I was always excelling in English class and my classmates would often say, “Wow, may accent ka pala” or “Ang ganda ng English mo.” I’m not going to lie, those compliments stuck with me for a long time.
I sometimes can’t help but think of myself as superior to everyone else. I mean, how can I help it if adults around me say the same thing over and over again?
They would always praise me, especially my teachers. “Yan, si Marimelle, magaling yan!”, “Matalinong bata yan” or “Ang galing mo naman Marimelle” were words I frequently heard among people around me. “How can anyone blame me for thinking I’m the best among the best?”Reading this second paragraph probably pissed you off at how arrogant and self-centered this person is, but give me a chance. This is how I was programmed to think as a child since everyone around me treated me special and most adults gave me more attention than other kids in our school.
If you’re wondering, our school is near our house, probably just 5 blocks away from home. There are uneven, bumpy sidewalks that I walked alone every morning right after I turned 9 years old when my father had given me enough trust to go to school on my own. I would wake up every morning at 6 am to be the earliest kid in our school. I sit on the first row of the class on the farthest left, just right next to the window where I can see passersby and tricycles. The whole room is painted cream yellow with a few multiplication table decorations.
I barely did anything in school but play, play, and play in every class. My head seems to always fly to different places out of boredom, but regardless of that, I always get one of the highest scores in the class. My math teacher was very impressed with how I was able to get a perfect score in math. She kept mentioning it in front of the class with an obvious shock and impressive expression. She kept telling me how I did great and each time she had a question that no one in the room could answer, she looked at me and asked me which one I got right. It gave me a glimpse of amazement towards myself because I barely lifted the stone to be highly praised and anticipated. Do you think I’m exaggerating about how I react to my achievements?
Well, let me tell you more. As a child, I always wondered who the Philippine presidents were. It made me curious about who they were and what they had done in our country to feed my curiosity. Since I figured I couldn’t always ask my dad each time a thought popped into my head, ever since he got pissed off after I asked him “Do robots have a heart?” I guess as a child it is true that you absorb information like a sponge since after that I’ve aced all of the history quizzes, recitations, and exams. Well, the problem was I wasn’t the only one. Probably half of the class had a high score, which is what I haven’t seen. I have created my own world for so long that I forgot that other people still exist. There seemed to have been a bubble inside of my head that was filled with arrogance and superiority.
You’re probably thinking that I don’t have any friends, but I do. I had lots of them, but I mainly had 5 friends in one circle. They were Alex, the class 3rd honor, Mykael, the 5th honor, Richmund, the salutatorian, and me, who didn’t wasn’t able to get in the role. I was in a circle of friends who were highly intelligent and well known in class, but I didn’t force myself in with them. We just unexpectedly bonded with one another, but by having intelligent friends, I used to think that I was as smart as they were, but I don’t know, but it had somehow blown the bubble more inside my head.
Because there was a big blue bubble inside my head, I kept thinking that I was intelligent despite having a really low grade but high in the ranking. That bubble grew bigger, but it was stronger this time. It seemed like this time it was as strong as a stone-like nothing could ever pop it. It grew wider when I moved to a big university, New Era University since I was used to walking distance schools which only had 2 sections per school year. When I moved in, I was shocked by how vast the place was. It had 20 classrooms per floor and a luxurious comfort room, which, if you compare it to my school, which has a very tiny toilet bowl that doesn’t even have a flush or a bidet and would only have a one-hand pail to scoop water from the pail which I hated. It always smelled like wet rocks, and it makes me feel uncomfortable just by thinking of pooping in here.
I met new friends whom I never really thought I’d befriend in this school. Honestly, everything seemed similar to my former school and my new one. It just seemed bigger. Everyone was friendly and kind. But the only difference is that this school made my bubble bounce this time. It started during 7th grade when I was complimented by the whole class for having a good class presentation. It was about narrating a story in class. I wasn’t complemented by my English teacher, but me having the highest grade in the class was enough for me to tell myself that I was once again greater than everyone else. They swarmed me like I was some beautiful butterfly and kept wanting to see my results, and there I was
After that, I realized how great I was. I figured I shouldn’t study anymore because, just like everyone else, I can do the bare minimum, but I’ll still be the greatest in class because I’m intelligent because I was born special. Well, that is how I thought it was. Nothing has shaken that mindset I have in me. No one had ever made me feel unintelligent nor mediocre because I was great and that’s what everyone thought of. Until 10th grade, we had to take tests in English comprehension. It was a weird feeling. To be honest, I don’t read often, but still, I was thinking of how I could ace this exam. I was so sure of myself that I did well until the results came out. It came out in a white envelope, in which my name was written in all capital bold letters. Everyone around me wanted to know how I did well or what my score was. After finding out my score from my teacher, I could not help but feel ashamed and ashamed of how low my grades were while my classmates had fairly high grades in it. How come they had a higher score than me?
From that day on, I realized how mediocre I was. I was living inside a bubble, thinking that I was superior to everyone and that I was great even when I did nothing, until that bubble flew high above the clouds and popped when it began to rain. It rained prickling, heavy rain, washing away all of the suds in my body and leaving me with nothing but shame and embarrassment about myself. I was naked with the truth that I’m just like everyone else.
Even after my suds were rinsed off, I continued dreaming of getting into a good school. Just like any high school student, I took my chance at our country’s number one school, UP. Several days before my entrance exam, I knew there was somehow a thin chance of me passing the exam. I was thinking that I might have done more preparation than other kids in school. I planned everything out for almost a year before the exam. I met this teacher. His name was “Talent” from NEU SHS. He graduated from UP Los Banos in his late 30s. He’s a slightly balding, short man with a very charismatic smile. He offered big discounts to NEU students if they joined his review classes. I was one of those hopefuls who wanted to try it, so I went to his review classes, which cost me about 6,000 for 16 sessions and 1 mock exam. I badly wanted to get into UP, so I sacrificed my vacation in exchange for a higher possibility of getting into UP, which I quickly regretted.
I regretted not going to my cousin’s 18th birthday, hanging out with friends, or going to Puerto Galera with my family just so I could review for my entrance exam. I rejected all of that to sit in a very small room, painted in white with pale cream paint, with one big whiteboard and 18 dark brown plastic chairs placed nearly next to each other. It reminds me of how I fell from the same kind of chair in junior high and how I couldn’t get through the aisle without bumping all of the chairs I passed by. I chose that instead of just going to Vikings with all the eat-all-you-can foods and a trip to Puerto Galera. I hated being reminded of it. I hated that I chose to commute every single day to Katipunan. Traveling via tricycle makes me highly anxious as I’m really fat and 3 people can’t easily fit inside the tricycle because of me, so we all have to scrunch to fit ourselves in. The long waiting lines of jeepneys also make me anxious as I’m nervous about how I might not fit into the next jeepney because I’m fat and blend with all the other rich kids from Ateneo.
If you ask me, “If you could go back, would you still do the same thing?” No, I wouldn’t! I would take breaks from studying and socializing. It puzzled me how I didn’t realize earlier that I might fail and never go back to those times. I missed that I would never be able to see my cousin’s 18th birthday again or hang out with my friends after class. I regretted everything I chose when I was young. I shouldn’t have put too much pressure on myself at that time, and just enjoyed the whole process of learning how I’d get into UP. It made me regret not going to any of my friends’ 18th birthday parties just so I could read the assigned books to myself or answer mock tests in that small room of teenagers whom I barely knew nor talked to. It was a weird feeling for me while I sat there in the corner of the room. I wouldn’t talk to anyone because I felt inferior to them. I just kept thinking to myself, “These people wouldn’t probably want to make friends with me since they all seemed way too smart for me.” But now looking back, I realize we were all dummies, I was Like a lost child who needed guidance, but the difference is that I kept ignoring everyone while everyone was having fun and seemed to be enjoying themselves.
After finishing all the needed class sessions for me, I went online and searched for any university that had a free entrance exam for students as a mock test for me. I’m really glad my mom was highly supportive of me since it was in Manila. We woke up really early so we could get a spacious bus, but it turned out every bus was already crowded. Nonetheless, we stood in the middle of the bus with other bus riders, and I hated it. We had to wait until an hour just so we could sit. After we got into Quiapo, I was in awe after seeing how big and crowded this place was. There were so many vendors and people on the sidewalk, it felt like a foreign place. The
day of the exam was early in the morning. The sun hadn’t even risen yet. You know how when the sun is near to rising and the sky seems to be blue? That was the atmosphere outside. It made me anxious but calm at the same time since blue was then my favorite color. The morning breeze had kept me company throughout my trip to UP. When I arrived at the UP Entrance, the sun was only rising. I walked the way to the building where I was supposed to take the exam. It felt great walking there with all the big trees and vine branches, and I was glad there were a lot of students walking with me, so I somehow didn’t feel too alone. It was surprisingly less crowded than I expected. There were only a few cars parked, but there were a lot of students there. Bunches of intelligent-looking kids were lined up there. I didn’t know anyone in the line that I was in, but I knew they were all rich-looking people. Just looking at their new Nike or Adidas sneakers made me feel inferior to them. I’m not going to lie, there were a lot of people there almost judging me, probably wondering inside my head, “what is this girl doing here?”I ignored and fell in line and waited to be called up.
I was walking up the green-painted stairs up to the second floor that led to a lime green room with a steel casement open window type in rusty red paint, which was a good thing considering that we’d be staying here for 4 hours and knowing how it would easily be too hot here, but luckily there was an AC so it wouldn’t be too hot. While looking in the room, I couldn’t help but imagine myself going back to this school again to take my class in this room with one long light and armchairs with steel grids that help support my feet. I was already dreaming of what my professor would call me in his class to answer his impromptu question. It felt like a dream, except it was real. I was extremely confident for the first part of the exam since most of the questions were familiar to me and I have encountered this kind of question in our mock exams from the review center. I was confident until I felt hungry and decided to eat. In the middle of my exam, I felt my whole system drain from the long paragraphs of reading comprehension. My brain wanted to stop taking information, and by that time, I knew I was doomed already.
I know I was set to fail to begin with, but now it feels like everything that I’ve built to be here has collapsed and there’s nothing I can do anymore. I was shaking in my seat. I’ve been here for about 4 hours with no time nor the chance to pee. I was shivering from the cold air conditioner. That didn’t help with my situation right now. The time was up and I was still left with 25 questions. I decided to just shade choices without thinking, like what they call “Expressway choices,” which I now think of as a self-destruction decision. It felt like I had flushed myself down the toilet. The exam instructor, who’s about 25 years old, kept giving warnings to students to stop answering, which included me. It was her 2nd warning by this time, but on her 3rd warning, I was already shivering feeling how all the other kids were finished answering yet I still hadn’t managed to shade everything. On the last warning, she firmly said, “Please put your pencils down and stop answering or I will take your exam from you.”
I could feel that she was pertaining to me with a firm statement. I was scared that she’d take it away, so I stopped. I felt like I was crying, my legs were shaking, and my heart was beating really fast. I know by that time that I’ll cry and explode. Since there were so many people in there, I felt like I was about to choke from suppressing my tears too much, like my throat could feel a kick inside and my lips were almost bleeding since I was biting my lip to stop myself. I looked around me and I hated how the other students were confident with their answers. I hated how they all looked calm after taking the exam as if it were nothing. When one pretty girl was drinking her water peacefully, it made me want to cry even more. We were told to stand in line to prepare ourselves to leave the exam room.
I went straight to the comfort room. There were two cubicles painted with pink doors. I used the one near the window. It had a red pail and there I wept like a child. Although the results weren’t out yet, I just knew I failed it. I was even in denial about it. I kept thinking to myself, “No, the results aren’t out yet” or “Stop assuming things you have no control over” or “Who knows, you might have passed!” I know that no matter how hard I try to alleviate the burden on my heart and mind, I have already failed. I cried for about 10 minutes while eating the food that was left in my packed lunch. When I started getting tired of crying, I looked at the window and there was the green tree standing so near me I could almost touch it. The view made me feel better. It felt as if God was cheering me up by blowing a cold breeze in my direction.
I wanted to end this paper by saying how great I have turned into, about how I have moved on from failures to failures or by how I’m in a much better place but I won’t do that because lying to you is lying to myself and that is something I cannot do. To this day I can’t move on from the pain I self-inflicted with my arrogance, I’m still filled with anger from myself at how much time I have lost from being self condensed. I can’t help but still think of how I should’ve stopped and looked at myself to study better. I still think of how it could’ve made a difference in who I might have been today but one thing I slowly realized was how deserving I’m off everything I didn’t get.
At how I was deserving of failing the UPCAT for not having a better understanding of lessons from before because I deserve whatever I have put on my plate because instead of studying after school all I did was hang out at my friend’s house and talk about daily gossips because instead of answering my assignments I cheated in every class I’m in yet I still think I was superior, how foolish. Although it was painful to fail I now understand that every learning comes with pain, and this pain that I have self-inflicted will soon heal but it will teach me how I could be a better Marimelle not just for myself but the people around me.
